Sleeping as a Couple: How to Sleep Well Together (Even If You’re Total Opposites)
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, there’s often a lot of focus on closeness, connection, and sharing everything, this often includes a bed. But in my experience as a sleep coach, sharing a bed doesn’t always mean sleeping well… and it’s far more common than people realise.
One of the biggest challenges couples bring to me is this:
“We love each other, but we sleep completely differently.”
One partner runs hot, the other cold. One falls asleep instantly, the other lies awake thinking. One prefers an early night, the other comes to bed much later.
Over time, those differences can quietly start to affect not just sleep but also mood, patience, and connection too.
The key thing I always remind people is this: sleep is personal. And sleeping well together doesn’t mean you have to sleep the same.
Why Sleep Differences Matter More Than We Think
Sleep isn’t a luxury, it’s one of the core pillars of our health and wellbeing. When sleep is disrupted night after night, it shows up everywhere: energy, emotions, stress levels, and how we relate to the people closest to us.
Yet sleep is rarely something couples talk about early on. We discuss work, children, finances, and values, but not how we actually sleep. Considering we spend around a third of our lives asleep, that conversation really matters.
The Scandinavian Sleep Method (And Why I’m a Fan)
The Scandinavian Sleep Method has been gaining attention recently, but it’s not new. It’s been around for a long time and is simply the norm in many Scandinavian countries.
Traditionally, the method involves couples sharing a bed but sleeping with separate bedding, and often separate mattresses too. The intention is pretty straightforward: reduce sleep disruption while still maintaining closeness.
For many couples, this doesn’t need to be complicated. Using two single duvets instead of one shared one is often enough to really improve sleep - especially when each person can choose what suits their own body and temperature.
Night Lark Coverless Duvets can make this approach far easier to add into bedtime routines. Using individual, single size Coverless Duvets means both can be popped into the washing machine together, then up to dry and straight back on the bed - removing much of the faff that often comes with managing two sets of bedding, and working well for couples using this method.
Through my work with clients globally, I see this approach used all the time; often without any fuss or overthinking. In the UK, however, it can sometimes feel unfamiliar or emotionally loaded, as though sleeping differently means something is wrong. In reality, it usually means people are finally listening to what their bodies need.
Why It Makes So Much Sense
Movement and temperature differences are two of the biggest disruptors of shared sleep. Even the most advanced mattresses can only do so much if one person moves a lot, pulls the duvet, or sleeps at a completely different temperature to their partner.
Using separate duvets or quilts allows each person to:
- Regulate their own temperature.
- Move freely without disturbing the other.
- Choose the weight and feel that suits them.
- Sleep more deeply and consistently.
- Choose the weight and feel that suits them
- Sleep more deeply and consistently
I’ve supported many couples who have spent a lot of money trying to “fix” sleep with a single solution, when the simplest answer was often to stop forcing two bodies to sleep in the same way.
But What About Connection?
This is usually the biggest concern and of course it’s an important one.
Sleeping differently doesn’t mean losing closeness. You can still cuddle, talk, connect, and fall asleep together. And something I often recommend when couples are using separate mattresses is to keep one shared fitted sheet across the bed.
That shared bedsheet can make a big emotional difference. Even though you’re each supported by your own mattress, the bed still feels like one shared space, rather than two separate ones. It’s a simple adjustment, but it helps maintain that sense of togetherness and connection.
You can then have your own duvets or quilts on top, so when it’s time to sleep, both people are supported rather than compromised.
Many couples tell me that once they’re sleeping better, they funnily enough feel more connected; simply because they’re more rested, more patient, and no longer resentful about broken nights.
Practical Tips for Sleeping Well as a Couple
If sleep is being disrupted, these gentle considerations can really help:
- Talk openly about sleep, without blame or judgment.
- Accept that differences are normal.
- Prioritise comfort for both people.
- Experiment—separate duvets are often the easiest place to start.
- Reframe sleep as a health decision, not a relationship statement.
A Final Thought This Valentine’s Day
Love isn’t about enduring poor sleep for the sake of tradition. It’s about supporting each other’s wellbeing even if that means doing things a little differently.
In many parts of the world, the Scandinavian Sleep Method is simply common sense. Perhaps it’s time we normalised it here too.
